One year ago today...

One year ago today...

It was the return to school from Christmas Break.  A long, wonderful, disappointing break.  As any adoptive mama will tell you, hope deferred truly makes the heart sick.  I never imagined we would go into 2013 without seeing our sweet daughter's face.  Having started our process in 2011 (and even before that with agency/program switches and waiting lists....), we were ready to meet our girl.  I am pretty sure I even shed a few tears on New Year's Eve, and J and I prayed that we would remain hopeful and patient.

Well, any teacher who's been in the classroom for more than five minutes seconds knows what an exhausting day the return from break is!  When I got home, I quite literally collapsed on the couch.  I remember flipping on Ellen and zoning out completely.  Hearing my phone buzz, I half-consciously reached for it - and saw this:

**edit - removed for privacy**

I'd love to tell you that I jumped up right away, and danced for joy...but that just isn't how adoption works.  (Typically, when our agency places files on their website, it was for children with significant special needs, or needs other families have not said they would consider.)  My curiosity peaked, though - so I reached for the computer.

And I saw this.

And this.

And this.

I was smitten.  Her eyes got me first.  Then her lips.  There was something about her that just made my heart jump...

We had long prayed that she would be cared for in a loving environment and that we would have a peace about her being a part of our family.  Her profile certainly spoke to the first part of that.  What we had ALSO very carefully, and prayerfully, considered were the list of special needs we were comfortable with and could handle with our insurance, family situation and access to care.  Her need was NOT among what we had considered.  I googled it, for sure.  Read a bit about it, and then closed up the computer.

So I sat on it.  I didn't call Joshua.  I thought, 'maybe God means her for someone else...'  I put the computer aside and moved my attention back to Ellen.  Because seriously.  She's funny.  And I needed to zone out.

But then my phone buzzed again.  I reached for it somewhat reluctantly, if I'm honest.


**edit - removed for privacy**

Ok, Lord.  You now have my attention.  Two completely random friends messaging me within an hour about her file.

I seriously was having heart palpitations as the next 3 minutes flew by.

I called Joshua - the love of my life and the best daddy I know.  This is what our call was like:  "HeybabyIjustwantedtoaskCCAIputanewfileupandherneedisnotonewehadconsideredbutIfeellikeweneedtoatleastlookatherfilethere'snoharminthatright??"  I'm pretty sure he told me to take a deep breath and in his level-headed way, said, "Yeah.  Totally no harm - we haven't seen any files yet, so go ahead and call if you feel we're supposed to."  (Btw...this is why we're married.  Even.  Keeled.)  

I dialed our agency as quick as possible and then promptly forgot every extension to every person I had ever talked to there in the last year and a half.  Which is crazy.  Because I bugged them called them a LOT.  After what felt like an eternity (mind you, we're still in the 3 minutes between messages up there!), the Child Match Director was on the line.  She assured me she would get the file to me and it would take a bit to get it together to email.  I'm pretty sure she gave me a few other tidbits, but I was no longer listening to her.  The thoughts had begun....is she our daughter?

While I waited for J to get home to look at her file, I couldn't stop going back to the website and staring at her.  I read and reread her profile.  I studied the three pictures that were there.  Forget Ellen.  (Sorry, Ellen.  Pretty sure you don't read my blog anyway.)  This baby was TOO sweet.

Caleb leaned over on the couch to me (crap....I forgot he was home! sort of.).  I didn't want him to know about any of this yet - our heartbreak didn't need to be his if it didn't go well.  Too late, though...he had seen her.  And in typical 8 year old fashion (ok, that is a total lie....in MY typical 8 year old's fashion...), he asks, "Oh, mom...is that her?  Is that Ellie?"  I carefully tried to measure my response - "I don't know, buddy...daddy and mommy still have to talk and pray about it, probably talk to a doctor, too.  But what do you think?"  He looked at her picture one more time and breathed, "She's everything I dreamed she would be..."

Swear it.  I died a little inside.  

Fast forward to J getting home from work...I held strong and hadn't opened any of the files our agency had sent!  We went into the bedroom with the computer and stared at each other for a second.  Then we prayed.  Then we stared at each other some more.  (Nuts, aren't we?!)

You see, this isn't the way we thought it was going to play out.  We thought that one day, out of the blue, our agency would call us and say, "We've got a match for you!"  We would wait expectantly by our computer, we would take pictures to document the moment, etc.  Pretty ridiculous.  One of the biggest things we learned and struggled with and grew through was the concept of expectations.  This was like, Exhibit #45.

Let's just say the next few days were a whirlwind - but the best kind.  We officially submitted our Letter of Intent on January 10, and on January 17, we received our Pre-Approval from China!!  We could now announce to the world that we had a DAUGHTER...and we did.

So, one year ago today, we celebrate.

We celebrate family.

We celebrate community.

We celebrate love.

Happy Referral-versary, Eliana Grace!!  

i give up.

I am challenged each year by the season of Lent...when we refocus our spiritual eyes on the sacrifices and great Love that was given for us. 

Sometimes I have chosen to give things up.  A quick recap of prior years, if you will:  Coke (my roommates hated me), tv, fast food, Facebook (best thing I ever did)...

These small sacrifices on my part do help me in some small way to realize my flesh rules more than I want it to.  Discipline is spurred.  Relationships strengthened.  It is good. 

But it is not enough.  Friends, we can never match the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  Not ever.  But there is a part of me that says it is not enough.  Not for me.  Not for that nagging voice inside me that always is critical of my motives and my heart.  It lies to me...you could do more, you could be more, you are not able...

I have struggled for years to know one singular truth - I am enough. 

Who the God of this universe made me to be.  Who I am.  Who I want to be.  Its all enough. 

I don't have to please the world.  I don't have to earn love.  I don't have to be perfect. 

And yet, sometimes, I still don't quite believe it. 

So this year, I give up.  [This year for Lent, I hope in some way, you join me in giving up, too.]

I give up...

Worrying what others think about me. 

Striving for perfection. 

Labels.

Fear of the unknown.

Stress over things I cannot control. 

Self - condemnation.

Guilt. 

Lack of discipline. 

I could go on...but that's quite a list already, don't ya think? 

Believing the promise of Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." 

Give up the lies the world feeds you.  The lies the devil wants you to accept as truth. 

We are sons of Adam and daughters of Eve.  And if the very Son of God thought enough of you to die on a cross on a hill...we must learn to accept that truth. 

Here's to giving up.  Renew your mind.  Fill it with truth.  I'm with you. 


[And hey...if you need to give up Coke, tv, fast food, Facebook, etc...you do that, too.  Go for it.  That's between you and Jesus.]

In God We Trust

Many of you have asked me about our biggest spiritual take-aways, thus far, as we traverse this process of adoption.  Really wanna know?  Here it is: 

Yep.  Trust is such an interesting thing.  I often times fool myself into thinking that I don't have trust issues.  (Insert your own LOL here)  I can think of dozens of situations and circumstances that I have lived through where my trust and faith have been shaped and molded into something that seems almost tangible at times.  Going on 5 mission trips.  Difficult family situations.  Living without my husband for a year while he was overseas.  I could go on...but in each of those situations, God has taken my faith and changed it into something real.  Something strong. 

Then I encounter a new situation.  A new circumstance.  And everything I know is challenged. 

The beauty that I have found in this is that our salvation is a living thing.  Our relationship with Jesus is alive...and it is either well or unwell. 

So I rest in knowing that I love and serve a God that is bigger than paper-chasing.  I trust a God that MAKES adoption possible, because He first adopted us. 

I can't trust in our social worker, although we think she's great.
I can't trust in our case workers, although we think they're pretty awesome, too. 
I can't trust in the post office, although...wait.  No.  I just can't trust in the post office.  ;-) 

I want to control this situation, this process.  But I can't.  I won't.

I lay down each day, sometimes with tears in my eyes, and give it to my Abba Father.  He knows a precious baby girl is meant to live out her life with purpose - and we will be waiting, trusting, with open arms. 

Oh, and by the way.  A hug if you see me wouldn't hurt, either. 

Old News, New News....

Please forgive the hodge-podge of thoughts, random jumblings, and musings of my mind...this is how it came out...

For those that maybe missed the memo *wink*...

We're having a baby!!  (in about 12 -15 months...) 

We were in such a season of discouragement - waiting.  Spinning our wheels.  A dear new friend counseled me one night.  She told me that I needed to grieve for my expectation of how I thought this process would go.  I needed to stop worrying about "stepping off the boat" and sit down and row for a while.  We needed to rest.  We needed to lay down our hearts, expectations, and hope at the feet of Jesus.  Because even though He is the God of hope - He was not our focus.  And He wanted to be.  It was such a sweet, bitter, painful revelation...but those are the ones that bring about the most growth. 

So, refocused after that season, we jumped in with both feet.  Jesus moved in so many ways...showed himself faithful through others when I was feeling faith-less.  He revealed what family is in a beautiful way.  And now?  We. Are. Ready. 

And by ready....I mean a mess some days.  Lemme tell ya.  Adoption is hard.  And super awesome.  J and I laugh all the time about how adoption babymaking is sooooooo different than the babymaking we know.  Don't blush.  It is.  I'll be straight here...sex is WAY more fun than filling out paperwork.  For reals.  Don't judge me.  We know the outcome of all the paperwork.  We know the purpose, the beauty and the reality of it all will be wrapped up in our beautiful baby girl. 

But seriously.  See for yourself: 

Old school babymaking

sex
uh...yeah.  that's it. 

(***PLEASE know that this is sooooo tongue-in-cheek.  It is our experience only.  It is not meant to make light of the struggles of those that adopt because of infertility, miscarriage and great loss.  We were in that boat, too...and understand to some degree...what your journey looks like.***) 

Adoption babymaking                                                                     

Applications - for home study agency and int'l agency                      
sex
Home study (4 interviews)
Adoption petition
Financial application
lovin'
Medical physicals (x2)
Blood work
Fire inspection
Fire evacuation plan/extinguisher
Employer verifications
Financial statements
Documents (birth, marriage, etc.)
Passports
sex
notarization
USCIS I800A forms
smoochin' (I said, don't judge me!  He's cute...what do you want from me?!)
certification of forms
Fingerprints
Emailing caseworkers
Police Clearances
Child Abuse clearances - OH/TX
References (x5)
12 hours of parent training (each)
Well water inspection test
Writing checks
Going to living at the post office
Researching/hiring a courier service
......

I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  But I think you get it.  :-) 

Friends, this is an intentional process.  Adoption by its very nature is intentional.  When God says in Ephesians and Psalms and Hosea and James and all throughout the Word that He adopted US into His family through our salvation...that He places the lonely in families....that in Him the orphan finds a home....that pure religion is one that looks after orphans - it all leads to an intentional God.  I for one am humbled to know that the God of the universe...He wanted me.  It brings tears to my eyes.  It overwhelms my heart.  God, that we may ALL know such love.  

Church, this is our call.  For Joshua and I, personally, it was a very real call.  One we couldn't ignore. 

This is our moment...as a church.  As a family. 

I have been SO challenged lately by David Platt, author of Radical.  He very matter-of-factly says that Christians are so quick to claim the promises of the Word, such as, "Come to me all of you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest..." Those promises are for them.  We own them.  We proclaim them with conviction.  But we are quick to dismiss mandates like the Great Commission - to go into all the world, or the outline in James 1:27 - to look after orphans and widows.  Those are only for those that are "called."  Friends, we are all called.  We are called holy, dearly loved, sons and daughters...we are called. 

It might begin as a whisper.  It might begin like a thunderclap.  But we are called. 

Now hear my heart here.  I am challenged by this as much as you might be.  There is no judgement here.  Search your heart.  Seek after Christ.  What does that mean for you?  Should you open your home to foster?  Is your family in a place to adopt?  Can you provide respite, or meals, for a family that can or is?  Is it time to see the world, God's world, on a mission trip?  Working with the least of these?  Can you financially provide for someone else to go and pray for them?  Is there a talent that you have that you can use creatively for the Lord?  Is your church in need of volunteers in the children's ministry or ushers or greeters?  Is it time for you to tithe regularly and faithfully and with great joy? 

Be intentional in this new year.  Don't dismiss the promises and mandates of the Word. 

They're for you. 

They're for me. 

They're for all of us. 

And I think what we find that in giving ourselves away to the Lord with intention...we find out that WE are the ones being filled and blessed in return. 

God is good.  All the time. 

And all the time...?  (Let's hear it, friends...!!) 

run for it!

Some of you know me.  I mean, REALLY know me.  And although I'm really all about being healthy, I exercise very, um, infrequently.  I mean, come on...who has time? 

Unfortuntately for me, this summer, I did.  Had lots of time.  So I decided to sign up for my first 5K.  (please keep your laughing to a minimum)  A local orphan care ministry was having a fundraiser - and if there was any reason to get me to run - this was it.  I typically say that I don't run unless someone is chasing me with a sharp object.  Or a Diet Coke.  Then I'll run.  ;-) 

So, I roped my older sister into the race with me, and Caleb joined in the fun, too. 

So, without further ado...

Here comes Caleb! 

 He ran a 1 mile race...he was the 1st place finisher for boys! 

Here we go! 

You don't need to know our time, right?  ;-) 

We finished! 

And while we didn't win anything crazy, we all finished, and I was super proud to have reached a goal that I had been working towards.  We didn't just run for us, and that's what made it feel best of all. 

We ran for the fatherless. 

We ran for friends who are adopting. 

We ran for our new godson/nephew/cousin Levi.

We ran for our little one. 

Here we come, baby girl.  We're "running for it"...

To be honest and all.

Friends, this is so long overdue, I feel I need to write to purge my soul and apologize, all at the same time!  I used to write and journal for myself...and I often feel like I have time for everything BUT myself as of late.  I am making no promises that the journey will continue to be regular, but I will promise for it to be honest! 

I know so many of you continue to read our blog to follow our adoption journey.  That journey is long and difficult and it seems to have come to a stall.  We have been waiting for 6 months...well, make that 14 years...but on a "real" waiting list for 6 months - simply for an application.  A piece of paper.  Something that says, yes...we'll consider you a family worth investing in a forever for.  The call to adopt is never one that we will question...but the process...oh, the process...

We have been through things that many families have struggled with - marital growing pains, sudden deployment, miscarriage, financial setbacks, job issues, etc. - and we are blessed that God continues to show himself strong in the midst of that AND in bringing glory to himself.  We have laughed and cried with many of you as we have been able to share our story of redemption and healing and believe that God works through those conversations.  We have rejoiced in the inexplicable joy of dear friends expanding their families through their bellies and their hearts. 

But we continue to wait. 

Its hard and it hurts and its ugly and it sucks.  To be honest and all. 

And some days its beautiful and its just fine and sometimes its full of hope and promise.  To be honest and all. 

Many of you know our hearts and have walked this process with us for a few years now as it has ebbed and flowed in its own way.  We thank you because there are times I feel we couldn't live without your encouragement.  Right now, after a long journey in the desert, I feel that hope is rising in my own heart again.  That God is on the move.  His faithfulness is astounding and His promises are true.  My heart is believing it. 

I don't know what the journey looks like from here...but I have some good perspective.  The sun is rising on the side of the mountain that I am climbing and the light can be blinding.  But we are never walking alone. 

“They say Aslan is on the move - perhaps has already landed.”

And now a very curious thing happened. None of the children knew who Aslan was any more than you do; but the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different. Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don't understand but in the dream it feels as if it had some enormous meaning - either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning too lovely to put into words, which makes the dream so beautiful that you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again. It was like that now. At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside. Edmund felt a sensation of mysterious horror. Peter felt suddenly brave and adventurous. Susan felt as if some delicious smell or some delightful strain of music had just floated by her. And Lucy got the feeling you have when you wake up in the morning and realize that it is the beginning of the holidays or the beginning of summer.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – Chapter 7

I love that.  To be honest and all.  <3

struggling

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  Matthew 6:33

Friends, pray for me.  I am so struggling right now...

Gonna be honest about where my heart is - I'm praying that prayer up there...but backwards.  I want the "all things added to me" before I am seeking God and his will.  That's an ugly realization.  I think I have gotten so consumed by the adoption, family circumstances, etc...I have been "seeking" God's will on those things and allowed my simple desire for God, and God alone, to get lost in the shuffle.  Now, I certainly don't want you to think I've gone all 'heathen' on you...that's not the case.  Just a good swift kick in my own pants about my priorities.  I want to desire him above everything else. 

My blog friend, Jennifer, wrote the most incredible post about this...I hope you'll head over and be encouraged!! 

Perspective.

Welp, J's gone for two weeks.  The Army calls...and we're gonna miss him!! 

Caleb put it very well yesterday.  He very thoughtfully said, after I asked how he was doing with daddy leaving, "Well...daddy was gone for a whole year before.  Yeah, I can do two more weeks.  I can do two weeks."  He nodded for just a bit more affirmation. 

I think we can do it too, mister...

speechless

There's a song I have long loved by Steven Curtis Chapman, and its words have been echoing through my brain these last few weeks. 

"Oh how great is the love
The father has lavished upon us
That we should be called
The sons and the daughters of god

We are speechless so amazed
We stand in awe of your grace
We stand in awe of your mercy
You have saved us
We stand in awe of your love
From the grave
We are speechless

We are speechless in your presence now
We stand in awe of your cross
We're astounded as we consider how
We stand in awe of your power
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless
We are speechless"

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Joshua and I have said that we truly feel that we've "stepped off the boat" when it comes to the adoption.  We believe that even with all of the uncertainty with time frames, etc....God is truly meeting us there...in the midst of the storm and doubt and renewing our faith.  Our faith in Him.  Our faith in others' love and faithfulness.  Yes, we ARE speechless. 

Our first fundraiser - our yard sale - was a wonderful success!  THANK YOU to everyone who donated items, dropped things off, let us borrow your truck for weeks (Neal!), and served with us selflessly for 2 days (my sisters and brother-in-law, Josh and Annie, Tina, Stephanie, the Crosiers...I hope I didn't forget anyone!!).  It truly was a fish and loaves experience...I have never seen so much stuff!  I have also never been so blessed by the goodness of loved ones and strangers. In 2 days, we were able to raise $2,129!  Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Our Leaves of Love fundraiser is also going well.  I'll post more on that later!  So far, that has raised about $600!! 

So, all said, between the two fundraisers and our saving, pinching and being as wise as we can be, our adoption account is at:  $4,232.05. 

Speechless.  God is SO good!! 

School's Out For Summer...

Wish I could follow that line up with "School's out forever", but alas, it is not to be so.  :-)  Just kidding ~ I SO love my job.  That being said though, with summer's arrival, my blog hiatus is up! 

I have lots to share to get you up to speed on our lives...We'll be back soon!  Stay tuned! 

*love*

Carr Family Update

Dear Friends and Family,

Wow…where to begin?!  This will be your Christmas-in-Spring letter…times a million!  J  We hope this letter finds you well!  It has been a crazy couple of years for the Carr’s!  Joshua was gone all of 2009 in Iraq, but came home safely to us, and 2010 was a year of immense gratefulness for our family.  2011 has so far been exceptionally full of blessings as well…

·         Joshua continues to work at the YMCA in Cuyahoga Falls as the Associate Executive Director.  He works part-time at the Beacon Journal (local newspaper) in the sports department 3 nights a week, and also is still a ‘weekend warrior’ with the National Guard.  Joshua also works with senior high youth group at our church and is on the leadership board as a delegate.  He’s sort of our super star. 

·         Meg is in her 3^rd year teaching at Roberts Middle School in Cuyahoga Falls.  She’s the goofiest 6^th grade Social Studies teacher they have…and loves her job.  Meg also works with the senior high youth group, and especially loves meeting with and mentoring young girls. 

·         Caleb is finishing up kindergarten.  He is working hard on reading, learning math skills, and loves art.  He has tried his hand on a t-ball, soccer and basketball team.  Caleb is also on our church dance team and loves to worship! 

Even though we’ve painted a picture-perfect idea of what life has been like for us lately, the last few years has also come with difficulties; job worries, health concerns, loss of loved ones, etc.  Through it all, God has been faithful and has shown our family great things.  Jeremiah 33:3 says, “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”  One of those things is what we want to share with you today.  Over the last few years, Joshua and I have felt very strongly on our hearts that we were supposed to adopt.  This was never a “Plan B” for our family – it was always something we felt God leading us to, but were not sure of the timing.  Though we can no longer have biological children of our own, the three of us feel that as a family, we are blessed to proceed with a process that we know is close to the heart of God.  Many people may have questions about what we’re doing, so we’d like to answer some of them.  If you have more, please feel free to call or email us! 

Joshua:  yoshjac@yahoo.com                330.327.7700

Meg:  megan.carr25@gmail.com         330.962.4787

Why adoption?  Again, biologically, we cannot have more children.  This has been so difficult emotionally, but we always knew we would adopt.  The Bible talks about adoption in a myriad of ways, most of them being that God is a father to the fatherless, and that we ALL have been adopted into His family through our salvation.  Some of the most notable adoptees in the Bible were Jesus himself (with Joseph as his adopted earthly father) and Moses (adopted by the pharaoh of Egypt!).  We feel that adoption is a directive of the gospel, and while people play different parts in that role, we feel that our role is to be the adoptive family. 

Domestic or International?  We have decided together (all three of us!) to adopt internationally.  Right now, we are looking at Asia.  There are many reasons for this, and you are welcome to ask away!  The best way we can explain it is that we know God’s heart is for the world – and so is ours.  There are 145 million orphans in the world and we know that we are able to help at least one of them!  Many Asian countries have up to a 53% abortion rate, because it is considered shameful to have children out of wedlock.  Adoption domestically there is also not widely accepted.  We feel very strongly that adoption not feel like a ‘business’, but as a way for many like-minded people to work together to form families, and so we are excited to work with a ministry as opposed to an agency.  (Many people want to know why we did not consider domestic adoption, and the best answer is – we did – but we feel, for a variety of reasons, that this is the best option for us.) 

How long does it take?  That’s a tricky question.  J  We sure wish it was quick and easy, but for things to be ethical, we know that this will certainly be a process. 

Why is it so expensive?  People assume so many things about the cost of adoption, such as domestic adoptions being more inexpensive than international (which actually isn’t true), that we must be rich (NOT true! *laughing*), or that we will be writing one big check to our adoption agency and that's the end of that.  None of these statements could be farther from the truth!  There are fees associated with our applications, country, orphanage, home study, legal documents, notarization, translating, background checks, fingerprinting, travel, visas, and more.  We'll certainly be writing checks to our agency, but our money will also be flowing into our local and state governments and various institutions in Asia.  While we understand the exceptional cost, we also understand the exceptional way that God provides!  We are saving, planning and working to make sure that this happens!   We currently have the following fundraisers planned, with more in the works: 

• Leaves of Love Tree – ongoing
• Friends and Family Garage Sale – May
• Dinner Theater – October (tentative date)

How can we help?  Lots of people have asked how they can help, which blesses us SO much!  We love that adoption is a collective effort – very much what the Body of Christ represents.  We need prayer, first and foremost!  Prayer for our family, the process itself, and our little one.  We need donations and/or volunteers for our garage sale in May.  Also, we would LOVE to have you be a part of our Leaves of Love Tree! 

If you live close, and have items you would like to donate to our garage sale, feel free to email or call us to set up a time to drop off your items. 

If you decide to donate to our Leaves of Love Tree, you can mail us your donation: 

Joshua and Meg Carr

**email us for address**

Thank you all SO much! 

Leaves of Love

The idea behind Leaves of Love was created by an adoptive family.  They send us a 24 x 36 print of the image you see above, with enough room for 100 – 150 thumbprints.  We are hoping to have people donate $10 or more for our “family tree”, and for each donation, we will add a thumbprint with their name, or special verse, etc. onto our tree.  Our hope is to have it framed and placed in our baby’s room as a reminder of the family that created, loved, prayed for, and helped bring her home.  If you would like to help us with this, we would be SO grateful!

We will be posting progress on our Tree, fundraising, events, process, etc. on our blog. We would love it if you followed along with us.  We are honored to call you all family, friends and loved ones. 

it IS a Good Friday...

beautiful things

our pastor is one of the most amazing women I've ever met.  she's doing a series right now called "beautiful things", and in light of where we are in life right now, its perfect.  sermon notes from today: 

ecclesiastes 3:11 (one of my FAVE verses ever) ~ "He has made everything beautiful in its itme.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Beauty is subjective.
Our ideas about beauty can be terribly flawed. 
Beauty is not always practical.
Beauty originates in God.
Beautiful things inspire honor and admiration.
Beautiful things touch the soul. 
Beautiful things are born of sacrifice (I LOVE this one...the 'ouchy' ones are the best!!!)
Beautiful things point to a Creator and a Redeemer.

my mind couldn't help but wander after each point to adoption...because it is such a beautiful thing.  it is such a beautiful thing to realize that our salvation begins and ends in adoption as God brings us into His everlasting family.  what a stunning act of sacrifice and love.  i also thought of my marriage, my family, my mess of a life that He makes beautiful each day...

.i am overwhelmed by beauty. 

i know i've been posting lots of songs lately, but this one has SO ministered to me.  i love the words in the song:  "remind me You take broken things and turn them into beautiful..." 

praying for beautiful days ahead for you, friends...

lacking nothing

*i have struggled for days with this post...wording and rewording to make sure that my heart is saying what it needs to say.  sometimes this blog gets more use than my journal...because its easier to delete and change!  so read gently, my friends* 

I woke up the other night, not being able to sleep.  So many things were being tossed around my head and my heart.  As I lay there, I felt like God was saying to me, "What are you lacking, precious one?" 

I felt like I could answer that in a thousand ways!  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm lacking everything...

.lacking faith.
.lacking courage.
.lacking trust.
.lacking finances.
.lacking hope.
.lacking perseverance.

And at the same time, I knew that the Holy Spirit was whispering to my soul: 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  ~James 1:2-4 

I was overwhelmed with the realization that, in Christ, I. lack. nothing.  God knows what he has called our family to.  God knows what we're up against.  God knows our hearts.  God knows our willingness.  God knows our tears.  God knows our struggles.  God knows our impatience.  God knows our trials.  God knows our family.  And so, even in my moments of doubt, I lack nothing. 

There is no lack of faith...for we have faith like a mustard seed. 

There is no lack of courage...for in Christ, ALL things are possible. 

There is no lack of trust...for our hearts don't lean on our own understanding.

There is no lack of finances...for we know and believe that God has called us according to His purpose and owns the cattle on a thousand hills. 

There is no lack of hope...for this is the very essence of Christ in me, the HOPE of glory. 

There is no lack of perseverance...for we are in this race until the end. 

I laid there...blown away at my unfaithfulness...ungratefulness...but, at the same time, reveling in His truth.  Our lives are the ultimate conundrum sometimes - but oh, how beautiful the mess we've made when we know that He reigns in the midst of it.  I have no doubts that I will cross some of these same bridges again, but know that God's grace covers me.  My faith is not yet mature and complete...but I strive to be more like Jesus each day. 

And what a better way to drift off to sleep, than to have my Abba Father whisper sweetly to my soul..."With me, precious one, you are lacking nothing..." 


Lord, I pray that my honest heart...no matter how ugly, raw, unbelieving or beautiful...is better than a hallelujah...

children of God

totally challenged this morning....

"run after the things that scare you the most.  God is in the deep end." 

what scares me the most right now?  stepping out of the boat to reach the outstretched hand of Jesus...meeting us in the midst of our greatest hope.desire.fear.dream. 

this: 

.amazing.

[this.is.the.church]



chosen people

I've been on a Jesus Culture kick lately...if you don't know...I have one word for you:  YouTube. 

As C and I were driving today, we were singing along to 'Show Me Your Glory'....the words were over and over..."We belong to You, We belong to You..." and I turned and said to him, "Aren't you glad that we belong to Jesus?" 

He said, with his little fist in the air, "YES!!  WE ARE GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE!!"  I love him.  Really. 

Friends, we are in the midst of beginning great change in our family.  I said to one of my dearest friends, Sarah, this is our battle cry.  No matter what, in this process, in everything...we ARE God's chosen people and we WILL see His glory. 

Pray for us...and as always, we'll pray for you. 

Colossians 3:12 ~ Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

honest heart...thoughts from a mom

so my little guy is amazing.  [so's my big guy, for that matter *smile*]  he challenges me on such a regular basis, i don't even know why i'm surprised by it anymore.  you can read about the latest one here: 

The Spiritual Ramblings of a 6 Year Old

as i've reflected on the situation, MY heart has really been messed up.  i think about c asking for permission for something he knew, more than likely, was not okay.  his response, even when the answer was "no", was so honest and pure.  i KNOW that i don't deal with many situations in my life like he did. 

~how often do i ask my Heavenly Father is something is permissible?  is this television show edifying?  is what i'm about to eat because i'm hungry, or is there a deeper issue?  do i not ask because i already know the answer...or because i'm afraid it will be an answer i don't like? 

and when God does answer, and that answer is "no"...do i respond with a grateful heart?  am i content with His answers? 

these are just a smattering of the questions that are rumbling inside of me as i search to know how honest MY heart really is.  pray for me and i'll pray for you as you do the same...

also blogging...

Because I knew I had to finally take people's advice and start writing this stuff down...we're now blogging also at: 

The Spiritual Ramblings of a 6 Year Old

And I swear.  I don't make this stuff up.  *wink*

[quiet moments]

This has been a season of great loss for so many people...by God's amazing grace, my family is rejoicing this holiday season in knowing that we are blessed with so much.  But ~ I can only imagine that this year certainly hasn't ended how many people pictured it. 

My grandfather is rejoicing in heaven this Christmas...a friend won a long battle with cancer [in heaven]...a series of unexpected losses have brought friends, co-workers and acquaintances to the feet of Jesus.  No, none of how this year has ended the way many people expected it to...and yet God alone is Emmanuel, God with us. 

I have often wondered in the days before my papa's heaven-going...if after 65 years of marriage, he and my grandmother held each other in bed and spoke of what was to come.  If in the quiet moments they remembered loss and love.  victories and defeats.  joy and sorrow.  What did they whisper in those quiet moments?  It is well with my soul?  My heart hopes so. 

This season, my mind has often been drawn back to those questions....and other moments.  Two thousand years ago, in a corner of a lambing cave in Bethlehem...there were other moments.  Holy moments where a mother cradled her son, Emmanuel, with more love than we maybe could ever imagine.  In those quiet moments of great joy, I cannot help but wonder what Mary whispered to Jesus.  What loss and love mingled together.  victories and defeats.  joy and sorrow.  beauty and pain.  I don't know if any of the rest of Mary's life is what she expected.  Maybe it was.  Maybe it wasn't.  But she always had the quiet moments with the King of Kings. 

I pray earnestly that however my year ends...how your year ends...that our quiet moments with Emmanuel are vulnerable. real. beautiful. honest. painful. fruitful. hopeful.  He IS with us. 

*love*

rumblings in my heart...

To be darn honest with you, I don't know if anyone still reads our blog since Joshua is home now from Iraq.  To be frank...that's kind of okay with me, because now I can let 'er rip with the rumblings and ramblings of my heart and mind. 

I was so blessed today to have lunch with 2 incredible men of God (and a family that I adore) that we worked with in Egypt and Jordan this summer.  It brought back to my mind so many of the amazing things that God did during those few weeks... 

newsflash:  I always have struggled with insecurity...*like lots of you didn't already know that*  Thankfully, God has always given me an abundance of grace on this issue and I constantly have to stay in the Word to speak life and truth in that area.  There are so many things I wish were different about the way that much of my life was dealt to me, and while we were teaching the conferences in the Middle East, I felt that compounded in my heart again in a strong way.  I love Brenda and Rachel SO much...hear my heart there...but it was almost tangibly painful at times to listen to their testimonies.  Their stories of great love, strong family bonds and beauty were almost too much to bear at times.  And then...the insecurity began.  Because then there was my story.  A story of something completely different.  A story of emotional abandonment on many levels.  A story of brokenness and pain.  And as I cried out to God in my heart and prayers, I wondered why?  Why wasn't my life picture-perfect like theirs?  (please read that with the knowledge that I COMPLETELY know that isn't true--no one's life is picture perfect!!!)  And as He began to deal with me...He began to show me incredible truth.  The Bible says that He will make known to you the paths of life and will fill you with joy in His presence (Acts 2:28).  Isn't that good?!  As I prayed over that verse, He began to reveal to me that maybe, just maybe, my story was a story that these women needed to hear, too.  Maybe my story was one of hope.  of healing.  of redemption.  And aren't ALL of our stories that? 

One of the most simple and yet profound lessons I took away from this trip was the knowledge that although our stories may begin quite differently...some of them good, some of them hard, some of them heart-breaking, some of them hopeful...we ALL get to end up in the same place because of the love of Christ.  And that friends, gives me great hope.  great security.  I am blessed beyond measure to know that because of the relationship that Joshua and I have with Jesus, we are changing the legacy of our family.  So as I am thoughtful tonight, I pray that you all reflect on your stories...our testimonies are some of the most powerful things we'll ever have 'ownership' of.  Steward it well.  Wherever you began...I pray that Jesus has you ending well. 

*love*

Rachel, me and Brenda by the Jordan River *about 20 feet from ISRAEL*  We would have waded through the river to the other side if it weren't for THIS guy...

Don't mind the AK-47 behind his back.  *wink*  No big deal.